I would very much like to think of myself as someone who is open to the perspectives of others. With this being said, I would like to hear from my readers: Do you think fighting “all the time” in marriage is considered normal? Why, or why not?

I was perusing the interweb and came across a meme the other day. It was an image of two brown grisly bears standing on their hind legs, their mouths agape, baring (sorry, had to) their teeth at one another. The text of the meme mentioned that the bears must have been a married couple, implying that married couples “always fight.” I see this assumption often in US culture — that it is essentially normal for a married couple to fight, and to fight often, and, if you are not fighting, are you even married?

The whole concept just… rubbed me the wrong way.

My feeling is this: Fighting in relationships, no matter if you are married or not, is inevitable. I am not really talking about the occasional, small bickering about how Sally failed to pass Ben the potatoes during dinner, or if Harry is annoying Greg by playing with his hair too much, or Kelly won’t stop making dorky faces at Kim, so Kim tells her to stop. I am referring to the off-putting, heated arguments that often involve raised voices, possible cursing, and hostile environments.

Some fighting may even be healthy — as long as it does not involve physically abusing or insulting the other person. Arguments are a way to express thoughts, ideas, and emotions with passion and to have one’s voice heard. However, the moment insults are thrown to degrade the other person’s character, body, demeanor, emotions, etc., I feel that has crossed a line from debating a topic to bullying the individual.

To me, to fight “all the time” is a sign of a lack of control of one’s own emotions (i.e. immaturity, or failing to overcome possible triggers, etc), a poor handling of healthy communication skills, and — dare I say it? — probable incompatibility between the spouses. Divorce rates being so high can provide evidence for this. Again, fighting, I feel, is inevitable, and some fighting I feel is all right within reason (see above paragraph), but if a couple is fighting every single day, I feel that there are possibly more issues than just the topic they are fighting about, like some underlying, toxic, unhealed piece of their person, or of their relationship.

Which leads me into my next thought: On the other side of the spectrum, never fighting can also be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It might imply that one or both individuals lack healthy communication skills, or fear communicating with their partner due to potential repercussions (verbal or physical abuse, feeling they would not be truly heard or understood, or a fear of confrontation, to name a few). Therefore, I do not feel like never fighting is the route to go, either. There has to be some balance between the two extremes.

I mean, there has to be a better way to express your feelings to your partner about how you feel they are slacking in helping around the house, or how you feel unseen or unheard, or how they need to be more involved in whatever way, other than calling them a bitch, a jerk-face, a creamy-ass cunt, or a motherfucking loser. Right?? And if, after communicating your feelings, the other person still does not understand where you are coming from, and you have exhausted counseling and any other healthy avenue over time, perhaps what it comes down to is that you have to make some pretty difficult decisions about whether or not you two are actually compatible and what that means in terms of a lasting relationship. Because, let’s face it — not everyone, but many people grow apart over the years. Partners can become different people, have different life goals and interests that evolve and transform, and… well, just don’t always end up matching the person they married X number of years ago.

What do my readers think? I would really like to hear about your own experiences and thoughts about society poking fun of married couples and their “fighting all the time.” Have you also heard this as the norm in our/your culture? Do you agree or disagree with this concept? Note: You do not have to be married to answer this question, and this does not have to be about you, but rather the people around you that you’ve observed.

Let’s discuss and be open for growth on the topic.

With love and respect,
-A.M.